"Hey guys. I definitely haven't been as constant on here as I should be, but now I'm Spring Break so hopefully that will help. Thank you so much for all of these helpful comments! I'm trying to finish the book so I can go into the…"
"(Sourcebooks Fire Editorial Staff) Scary! This is a great begining - sucks you in right away. I agree with many of the comments below in that some of the language needs to be tightened up. For ex. His touch stung more than I would’ve thought…"
"(Sourcebooks Editorial Staff) We need more!!! This is a great beginning. But you tell us that someone has a monstrously dark past and then we find out nothing about it? I, for one, want to know. You do a great job of pulling the reader into the…"
"Very strong opening. Love the last line. I agree with the others about tightening up, and also in reference to Stephen King-remove as many adjectives and adverbs as you can, then replace them with stronger nouns and verbs.
I can't wait to read…"
"This opening kind of reminded me of the book SHIVER, and that's a good thing. I'll echo what everyone else says, great way to pull the reader into the story. Now like Steve O'Rear mentioned, I really want to know about the main…"
Way to establish the stakes right away! Panic, helplessness, a madman with no name… you’re hitting all the right notes to pull in readers. However, now you need to take the excitement and mystery of this early…"
"The only thing I would change is the telling versus showing (something I have been trying to work on): "tear went down my cheek" to something like "trickled to the edge of my jaw" or "One cold tear escaped..", lots of…"
"I'm glad that you liked it! I know that the first few chapters need a lot of work, but I'm actually working on it now. I'm up to 140-something pages now, woo! haha, but thanks so much guys and I'll definitely keep working."
"I agree with Lisa and Laura on 'showing' versus 'telling'. But I also agree with them that your command of language is such that you'll have no trouble sucking us even farther in when you address the showing/telling thing.…"
"Hey I really liked this.
I remember once reading an interview with Stephen King that really stuck in my head-- he was asked about his action sequences, and he said he liked to keep the pace of the action equal to the amount of breath in the lungs--…"